I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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