So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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