I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
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