got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
