On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
