So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
