1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
