she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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