So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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