i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
