WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
