Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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