Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
