He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
