Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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