I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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