She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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