this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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