I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
