Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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