Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm really busy with my period
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