dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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