just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
