It's Friday. Sex?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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