That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize