I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
MIDGETS
????
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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