Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
