Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
