His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
