i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
