he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I looked at my own cervix.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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