Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
