she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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