You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
