made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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