All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
