I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
