I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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