im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
