Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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