i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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