Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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