i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
