forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
