I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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