I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
