My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
