Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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