i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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