I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
