can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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