Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
