One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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