I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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