Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
