Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
