Your face is a jimmy john
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
