and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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