cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
