Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
