Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
